Beau Rivage Casino Biloxi Mississippi

beau rivage casino biloxi mississippi

The $64,000 question

No time to waste

I hate to say it, Buddy, but you’ve been wasting your precious time (Well, somebody had to tell you). What are you doing hanging around the homestead in your Calvin Kleins, trying to scoop the Idaho Couch Potato of the year award for the third year running? Don’t you know you’re a mere six hours of hot and bothered, sweat-running-down-the-crack-of-your-butt driving away from the King’s birthplace? Have you completely lost your marbles?

At Tunica, you can escape all the yada-yada over this ultra-sniffle pandemic frenzy by booking into the 100% Royal Service Casino. There’s service from former Penthouse Pet cocktail waitresses, alright. Shame they’ll not check out your washboard abs. They’ll be to busy trying to avoid clapping eyes on your COVID19-Repellent, Hannibal-Lector-style mask, for fear that doing so turns them to stone.

If you have no abs worth showing off, you can always rent a false set from the Tunica check-in desk for $150.

You’ll be spared the shame, of course. Because your glasses will be so steamed up by your breath pluming over the top of your mask, you’ll have to shoot craps blinder than a short-sighted mole. 

But, at least you’ll be having fun, right? From the moment you arrived at this Palaeolithic Palace of Perfection, you’ve been tripping the light fantastic, living the American dream. In a gamblers paradise as retro as Jurassic Park and eight times as dangerous—you’ll need air cover to play even the penny slots in the rougher casinos.

Here at Tunica, the process far exceeds the result. Where you can wave goodbye in a heartbeat to the Ferrari, you borrowed from your best buddy to get here in the first place. And all because, after a half dozen Jack Daniel’s too many, you foolishly drew another card (the queen of hearts, if you must know) while already sitting on 19. Isn’t Blackjack exciting?

At the end of the day, who cares—you’ll be having more fun than a groupie at a music festival, right? Only, at the end of the day, you won’t know it’s the end of the day because they don’t have clocks down there, so you can go on gambling until you can no longer make cab fare back to your lodgings.

What I’m saying is this: You need to stop and think. Does boozing yourself into the Twilight Zone at your favourite casino’s bar, next to your favourite casino fruit machine, really cut it? Do you want to put on a grim impersonation of Dean Martin on a bender? Enough already with the medieval stuff, it’s 2021

All of which leads me to my final question: Which will you choose? The choice is subtle. You could sashay up to an actual casino table, in your rented tux and $500, lightly-powdered toupee from Antoine de Paris, and have the time of your life. Or, you could dance the Baccarat Boogie online, from the comfort of your own home and still have the time of your life. You can check the latter option right now by sliding over to for a look-see. 

Either way, the best of luck!

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